Initiating sex can be empowering, self-esteem boosting, and most importantly, sexy! Nothing tells your partner that you’re attracted to them more than showing them. In fact, a study has shown that couples who initiate sex equally have greater satisfaction in their relationship. However, when it comes to initiating sex, many of us come up short. But this isn’t because we don’t want to.
There can be many reasons you struggle to initiate sex with your partner, from confidence to fatigue to just pure laziness. And depending on the type of relationship you’re in, this can greatly affect how you feel when it comes to initiating sex. So, let’s talk about how to initiate sex, whether physically or verbally, as well as how your approach should be different based on the type of relationship you’re in.
Initiating sex with a casual hookup
Disclaimer: with the coronavirus very much still a threat to public health, this section about casual hookups is purely metaphorical until it’s safe for us to miingle out in public again!
For those single enamoreers out there looking for a casual fling, initiating sex is kind of the whole point. So if you’re on the shy side, or are used to your match initiating things, your hookup game can be transformed once you have the right tools.
Make your intentions clear
The best way to initiate sex with someone you’ve just met is to be clear. If you’re looking for casual sex, just say it. After the initial meeting and small talk, let them know that you want to take things further earlier on to save yourself time and effort. This isn’t to say you should be crude, but instead direct. Not only is it the most effective way to initiate sex, but it’s attractive as hell too!
Consent, consent, consent
While consent is an absolutely crucial part of any sexual exchange, when you’re getting intimate with a stranger it’s especially necessary to think about. You don’t know each other, so that means you won’t have a very good idea of each other’s boundaries or experiences. So communication really is key.
When initiating sex, be sure to check in with your partner to ensure you’re both comfortable. While the stereotype goes that asking for consent is a ‘turn-off’, many people would argue the opposite. Feeling safe and respected is essential in any physical encounter, so you should make this a priority when hooking up.
How to initiate sex in a new relationship
Sex is a big part of many new relationships, with the first few months being especially fiery as you get to know each other. But if you’re wondering how to initiate sex for the first time in a new relationship, look no further.
The biggest thing to remember is that you don’t know each other very well. So you can’t expect your partner to be a mind reader. Communicating about what you want is crucial when it comes to more than just sex. The more you talk, the more you can learn about each other’s boundaries and desires, which will only result in a better connection!
So in terms of initiating sex, be clear about what you want and when you want it, so your partner can learn about your desires. Be aware that subtle cues may not work with your new beau if you’re still getting to know each other, so try going for approaches that are clearer that you want sex.
Feel the fear and do it anyway
It can be scary initiating sex with someone you don’t know very well, because there’s always a possibility you’ll be turned down. Dealing with rejection is a natural part of any relationship, and there’s no way to avoid it. The best thing to do is to try. If you’re in the mood, then let your partner know and if they turn you down, try not to take it personally!
Initiating sex in a long-term relationship
Whether you’ve been together for a year or 20, our sex lives inevitably go through ups and downs. While this is a completely normal thing to happen for people in relationships, there are always things you can do to keep things interesting and give you both a boost.
Introduce toys into the mix
Sex toys are a great way to spice up your love life and one of the best ways to initiate sex, especially if you’re in a long-term relationship. They can bring excitement, as well as open up a world of possibilities for new positions and ways you can please each other. You can find so many toys, from penetrative toys to those aimed at stimulation, and even toys that can introduce you to BDSM. Talk to your partner about what they would be comfortable with trying, and explore together.
Not only are sex toys great fun, but they also encourage you both to explore your sexuality and can give a whole new dimension to your sex life. So why not give them a try – whatever your preference, there’s a sex toy out there for it.
Work out their initiation style
According to Psychology Today, we all have different sexual initiation styles, based on aspects of how we want to be approached when it comes to sex. Finding out how your partner wants to be approached, and vice versa can help you to both be more in sync with each other. In fact, there’s even a quiz you can take to find out your initiation style.
Ways to verbally initiate sex
If you or your partner prefers verbal cues to initiate sex, there are a number of ways you can get in the mood. Dirty talk is a classic that can help us to be more vocal about what we want and become more comfortable expressing our sexuality.
Take it virtual
Sexting, especially in the run-up to seeing each other, is a great way to create a sexy atmosphere for you and your partner. Keep them stimulated all day with steamy messages talking about what you want them to do to you, or even by reminiscing about sex you’ve had together. This is also perfect for letting them know what you want from them in the bedroom.
Don’t be afraid to get descriptive! Describing to your partner how you like to be touched isn’t just arousing for you both, but lays the foundation for sex that actually makes you feel good too. Speaking about your sexual fantasies can help you both to please each other better, as well as being a way to explore our sexuality.
Ways to physically initiate sex
Wear something sexy
This is a fail-safe way to initiate sex. It makes your intentions clear, makes you feel confident, and is pretty much guaranteed to stimulate your partner. As good as it looks, your partner will be itching to take it off.
Give them subtle cues
If your style is more low-key, you may want to give your partner subtle cues that you want to take things further. Lingering in a kiss for an extra few seconds, pressing your body against theirs, or stroking their body are just a few ways to initiate sex in a subtle way.
However, for the bolder ones among us, you can show your partner your desire by taking control. Asking them to move to the bedroom, or even asking them plain and simple if they want to have sex is a straightforward way to initiate sex (not to mention attractive AF). No matter your relationship type, you needn’t wonder how to initiate sex with your partner now.